27 August 2006

Shanty Town

I haven't forgot about you silly earthlings......I'm on a hiatus trying to sort out the best way to solve some of the world's problems and my work is best when I'm alone, eating beef jerky, watching old reruns of "Welcome Back Kotter", with Horse-shack screeching at Freddy. Totally off topic but man, HDTV will ruin the movie experience because a lot of people got some bad skin, I'm talking that "Pro-Active", Jessica Simpson "Chin-Herpe type skin complex.

So I'm reading the Washington Post and this article about the housing situation within the DC metro region in regards to price and people not being able to afford million dollar 400 sq foot efficiencies. The article talks about how people are spending like half their income on interest only mortgages, just barely making ends meet, given that your supposed to only spend 30 percent of post-tax salary on housing. The gist of the article: that people aren't investing or saving dollars and this only fuels the division between the rich and poor.

But I decided to put a list together and offer advice on how to manage the housing situation and live fly and flawless like me.

1. Storage Units-- No need to piss your money over to the landlord, so that he can ignore your requests to have the killa cockroaches that ate your dog terminated. Just find you a good, climate controlled storage unit and pay the 45 bucks a month to live in it. Sure you won't have a bathroom or control over lighting but that's what flashlights and thermos are for in the first place. Plus you'll have 24 security and you can't beat that with all the terrorists trying to kill us because they hate our freedom.

2. Pimping-- DC is a ultra conservative city with a ton of people holding back pent up frustration. Plus this is a region that hates being faithful, so why not take advantage of that and fill a need??? That frustration has to be released and dealt with at some point. So why not get a few "Associates" and start contracting out girls/guys to supplement your income and get money working for you tax free, instead of you always working for it. The average pimp/ho contract stipulates at least 90 percent of revenues to Big Daddy Don and 10 percent for "Sheila". You just can't beat that type gross margins.

3 Cocaine/Meth-- People are sleeping on drug dealing big time within D.C. Its like the only city in America where people refuse to give it a chance. But I figure the best way to make easy money is to go into business with a reputable MexiCali drug cartels and secure some distribution rights. All the potential crack-heads lying in wait within D.C.'s ivory borders, could be a huge bonanza for early entrants. If the citizens of D.C.are like me and f-ing miserable all the time, well then theirs just a gold mine waiting for people looking to get away from their pathetic existence...

4. Child-Less Polygamy-- Think John Smith wasn't on to something out there in the deserts of Utah??? Fuck Yeah....Find you like a plural of women and just get married, with everybody working and living under one roof, basically a group house but not a place you cohabited in your 20's. Oh no, this is much better than that concept, this arrangement is basically forever. Plus, now that the abortion pill is gonna hit the local pharmacy shelves, you have no reason to give up sex and you can be lustful as rabbits without all the costs and guilt raising those little expensive bastards.

5. Shanty--One thing I admire about 3rd world countries is that they don't hide poverty. They put that shit right out in front of you for everybody to see. So why should we hide our increased cost of existing from the politicians that we elect who obviously don't give a fuck about anything unless its a raise for fellow members salaries. Lets just build shanty's all over the mall and on the steps of the Capitol and let people know that we don't have a problem with being exploited by greedy developers,banks, and municipalities who whore off the property taxes for political gain.......Yeah and we totally stand for it.

6. Gastric Bypass-- Man I love D.C. like the next man but if I got to decide whether to eat substainable nutrition or pay the utility bills, I'm gonna have to pass and go with the utility bills. Seriousily there is absolutely, positively, no reason for people to have stomachs. Thats a over-valued organ that provides zero benefits other than the occasional rumblings and large scale vomit production. Thats an additional 300 bucks a month that people could pocket and put to other good uses like lights inside the basement............


At 10:37 PM, Blogger KassyK said...

Ah, great post and some great ideas. I'm in with the shanty houses...when do we start building?

At 9:57 PM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I'm all about some storage units...who knew?

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

i'm all for the gastric bypass...like, whoa...

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Melissa Marie said...

I wonder if I can get a deal on my storage unit...I used to date a guy whose uncle owns/operates a large chain...let me know if you want in on a deal: it could mean the difference between a standard flashlight and a Maglite!


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