Million Ways to Die

--"A million ways to die so I chose, made it a million and one with my eyes closed"
by Redman

Morbid subject matter and I'm crazy for thinking this, but when I'm at the office staring at mountains of paper work and blinking phones/voice mails I often zone out and wonder how i'm gonna perish, how my life is gonna go out with a big bang. Sometimes I imagine its gonna happen due to health reasons ie: heart attack, stroke, alzheimers, parkinsons, lou gherigs, maybe the ebola virus (I refuse to die from Bird Flu because thats just so sissy.) Maybe a tragic car accident. I'm driving a defective Volkswagon down the street and rear end a garbage truck, maybe for some strange reason my "safe" doesn't happen. What about my life ending due to some blood ravaging animal like a grizzly bear or killer cockroaches, although that would not be a prudent way to go out either.
But I was reading an article about a man who was viciousily attacked and killed and I kind of chuckled, not at the sadness of his death or anything but by the means of it and all I could keep from thinking about was it not a honorable way to die...sort of like in the movie:"'The Last Samuari", with Tom Cruise.

So I put together a list of the worst ways to die.

5. A F**king Shark ate me-- I would have to say that this could easily be number one for me. Their can be nothing worse than seeing a animal four times the size of your body with a mouth made out of ginsu knives, that are sadistic and wrenching with death. A mouth built and designed to cut you with the slightest amount of pressure into tiny pieces and push you into it's dark bowels for consumtion. This is the numero uno reason why I turn down all requests to go swimming out at the beach. But click the link and go to the section that says "Australia".

4. Going Up or Down-- We use these every day at work and never give much thought to the possible complications due to the slightest malfunction. I remember reading this story and thinking that it was part of a bad hollywood script for X-files episode or Exorcist, but NO folks this story really did happen. More reasos to take the steps and lose those handles.

3. Walk the Plank-- Watching this show on t.v. with this hot asian honey talking about her fiance. See, he was the number one air surfer in the world from what I could gather. The story goes like this: Guy has special suit that allows him to fly through air at high speed due to it having webbing between the arms and body and both legs. So are daredevil leaps out of a plane and is traveling through air at around 150 mph and is supposed to fly over a bridge(notice the word "Supposed"), but he unfortunately lost control and hit the bridge instead, splattering himself all over the crowd. To make matters worse, the entire event got videotaped and I unfortunately watched. Terrible way to go out. Never perish in front of family, friends, and fans...never.

2. Crocodile- Reading this article about a famous doctor going to some 3rd world country in Africa after having a revelation about his life and the way it was turning out for him. So he decided that after 30 plus years of practicing to go and assit the poor people of the world. I guess the camp he worked at was alongside a river. Now I know a thing or too about Africa and one rule is definitely understood....NEVER GO NEAR THE WATER!!!!

1. Killa Chimps- The story that got me thinking about this sick subject matter in the first place. It can not get any worse than this